Usherin’ the Obvious

Listen, I’m used to being a total Cassandra about everything, but this is the last straw.  Frankly, it’s an outrage that any of you would argue Usher’s hit single Trading Places is not an august homage to getting fucked in the ass.  I’m sick of having this discussion.

Let me just head the rest of you eunuchs off at the pass: sex, for those of you who can’t remember, implicitly assumes that sometimes, bitches are gonna ride top.  This is in fact so germane to fucking, it’s about as worthy of its own celebratory song as, Lay Off My Cervix or I’m On Anti-Depressants, Sorry.

In fact, fuck you guys.  I’m just gonna do a line reading like this mother fucker is Alfie Lord Tennyson.

Now we gonna do this thing a lil different tonight
U gonna come over and pick me up in your ride
U gon knock and then u gon wait
Ooo u gon take me on a date

Starting off easy: tonight, he’s the pretty, pretty princess.

U gonna open my door and ima reach over and open yours

Your orgasm is contingent on his, meaning your imaginary/strapped-on dick opening his “doors” is what will deliver you unto the kingdom of heaven.

Gon pay for dinner take me to see a movie
And whisper in my ear I bet you really wanna do me
Girl now take me home and get up in my Benz
Pour me up a shot and force me to the bed

But first you’re going to get him liquored up (like a soldier) and knock him around (like a sailor).

I’m always on the top tonight I’m on the bottom
Cause we trading places

Seriously, I don’t know how much more clear we could be here.

When I cant take no more, tell me you ain’t stopping
Cause we trading places

He’s warning you that he’s going to be squealing like a “stuck” pig.

Now put it on me baby till I say Oooo weee
And tell me to shut up before the neighbors hear me
This is how it feels when you do it like me

Usher is still a little too shy to enunciate “in,” thus he mouths the ambigous vowel mashup of “ohhhn.”  See also: this is how it feels to fuck/get fucked.

We trading places
Gon get it, get it get it, get it get it,
Gon get it, get it get it, get it get it,
Gon get it, get it get it, get it get it,
We trading places

My pony!  Let’s ride!  Do it!  My pony!  My saddle’s!  Waiting!  Come and!  Jump on it!

I’ll be waking u up to a cup of Folgers
Pancakes and eggs I owe ya breakfast in bed, oh baby
And your orange juice sitting on the coaster
Toast on the side baby strawberry and grape jelly

Is he talking about strawberry jelly as blood from anal fissures and grape jelly as residual feces?  Unclear.

You finished let me get that drink,
Pull the curtain from the window
Time to get up baby let me make this bed up
Today we going shopping blow 30 on me
Make it 60, spend it like u really love me

Bitches love shopping.

Skip dinner and we gon rent a movie

A girl knows a slender physique keeps her man’s eyes from going astray!

You order chinese food right before u do me

Does she rest the lo mein on your head while you’re blowing her? Dude did that to me with a beer once. Not cute!

You coming on strong baby let me wash me hands

There’s an exceptional number of lurid fluids that could be covering his hands right now.

She said hurry up then get your ass to bed

Objective: ass.

(yeah) Wash the car
(yeah) I’m gonna walk the dog
(yeah) Take out the trash
(yeah) With nothing but your t-shirt on

Usher is Donald Ducking it in the cul-de-sac, swinging around a garden hose and a shower pouf.  Sit with that image for a hot minute.

(yeah) I’m gonna press your shirt
(yeah) I’m gonna wrinkle mines up

I want to make the wildly obtuse visual parallel between a wrinkled shirt and a puckered sphincter, but instead I will just aim low with “naughty boy looking for a spanking.”

(yeah) In the kitchen girl we crazy we don’t give a……..
Where you want me?
ohhh ohhh
Ohh ohhh
uuuu babyyy
Give it to me babyyy
ohhhh ohhhhh
ohhhh ohhhhhhh
ooo-uuuu babyy
Babyyy yeaaa
oooo-uuu
ohhhhhhh
ohhhhhh
ohhhhhhh
uuuuu-uuuu

Leo Bersani notes this as the intolerable moment of penetration, the moment of “legs high in the air, unable to refuse the suicidal ecstasy of being a woman.”

Stay tuned for part 2
You been me I been u
But we gon switch this thing back
Ima put it on your ass

Grammatically, this would imply she was in his ass, as indicated prior.  Case closed, you priggish bores.  Go get yourself a harness.