mattababy.com » Blog Archive » What “Every Woman Wants To Hear”

12.07.08 | permalink | 2 Comments

Hey, while we’re (read: I’m) talking about Zizek, here’s the consummate dialectical inversion, from last February’s Cosmo, via Glossed Over:

Is sincerity even possible anymore? That level of condescension just dried up my shit like it was early onset menopause.

Toughen Up

The Glow of Noteriety

2 comments

On 12.08.08 Margaret wrote:

not to further propagate this on the internet, but, i see it as the tangential questionnaire to such a sweet note.

(apologies for neg linkage below)

Best of Craigslist: Girlfriend Potential Test 6:40am
best of craigslist > toronto > *** Girlfriend Potential Test ***
Originally Posted: Sun, 20 Jul 22:16 EDT
*** Girlfriend Potential Test ***
Date: 2008-07-20, 10:16PM EDT

Instructions: Please answer the questions below as directed in each section. You will be marked for grammar, spelling, cleverness, creativity and boob-size. Please keep in mind that while this is not an application for a job, your performance on this test will be a reflection of your ability to achieve certain positions once out in the real world. When the clock strikes the hour, you may begin. You have sixty minutes to complete the test.

Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 5 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:
a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss.
c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you’ve ever received and written you a letter for every day that I’ll be gone, inciting you to ‘Go on the Defensive.’
d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini ‘welcome home’ party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.

Q2. We’ve talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I’ve ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn’t discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior.
c) Take that as a sign that I’m abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you’re clearly not my priority, and then cry.
d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats.

Q3. I’m throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:
a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices.
c) Cry.
d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you’re clearly not my priority, and then cry some more.

Q4. We’re having a fight. You:
a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes.
b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we’ve both had a chance to cool down.
c) Flip me the bird.
d) Wail on my junk.
e) both c and d
f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
g) f, then d, then c.

Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You:
a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun.
b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I’ll leave you a few things to participate in on your own.
c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my ‘nerdy addiction.’
d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends.

Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 10 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing.

Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must.

Q3. Talking in your ‘cute voice’ just before you put my balls in my mouth is sexy.

Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important.

Q5. ‘Anchorman’ and ‘Superbad’ are hilarious movies.

Q6. “But it’s cute when I do it” should be a legally viable defense.

Q7. Chest hair is gross.

Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.

Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible – within moderation, of course.

Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.

Section Three: Short Essay. (Answer ONE, 5 points)

Please select one of the following questions and answer it as fully as time will allow. Please try and be as descriptive as possible, and where applicable, come up with at least TWO convincing arguments to support your case. Arguments must be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.

Q1. If I was a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my cause about the rising threat of evil in this city?

Q2. Please come up with a convincing game-plan for having me come shopping with you, keeping in mind my retail oriented attention span is about twelve minutes, and I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.

Q3. Please argue why you are (do) or are not (do not): ‘Down to Earth’, ‘Have a sense of humor’ and ‘Laid back’. Bonus if you can include evidence to confirm that you truly do avoid ‘head games.’

Please submit answers via the email link provided. Please also keep a copy of this test and your answers to submit to future suitors for reference. Remember to ensure your name, number and bra size are clearly written at the top of your paper, and don’t forget to attach a photo (3/4 length or full).

On 12.18.08 Andrea wrote:

http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com/

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Toughen Up

The Glow of Noteriety