If By You I Mean Me

The problem with unmitigated social freedom is that it’s a pretty bare-bones operation.  Like you realize if you have it, that means everyone else will too, right? You think that’s what you want–but is it?  Is it really? Or are you totally not gonna wanna reap what you hath sown?

Because on the real, if the cast of disappointing swine you call your friends is la crème de la crème of this world, which it probably is if you’re reading this because only my friends do and not even all of them because like I said they’re disappointing swine–if this is our best and brightest set, imagine having to exist in proximity to the terminally hopeless savages who don’t even make the cut?  Do you really have the stomach to stand witness to their pursuit of all those depressingly little vulgar hopes and dreams?  I mean, you watch a youtube video of a furry and within ten minutes you’re basically arranging your own euthanasia.  Are you prepared for this?  Seriously?   Consider the ulcers you’d be suffering with out of 2nd hand embarrassment. What’s the fastest way to register as a Republican?

Ok, now watch.  Keep an eye out for the ladder that makes a giant V for Virgin on his chin, the only V that will ever get anywhere near his face. Other obtuse and obviously deliberate allusions of note:

• cane as yr dick
• tissue paper as yr hymen
• hymen on fire as the flaming pits of the sinner’s inferno
• hymen on fire as an endorsement of Sati
• smoke from hymen on fire as post-orgasm cigarette
• bowling pins as trying to juggle all the text messages from dudes you’re boning
• machetes as the suicidal impulse to wash over you the morning after drunk dialing/texting/e-mailing
• not stabbing the teacher as the concession that no degree of masturbatory expertise will necessarily put satisfactory motion in your ocean
• virginity as alchemist’s favorite recipe for immortality

(via Pandagon)

After watching this video, I want you to imagine this man just after he’s returned from a middle school cafeteria. In the question & answer period, one sixth grader had maliciously used the word “beavis” instead of “privates.” He is never graceful with difficult children. He pulls into the driveway and turns the engine off.  He sits in the passenger seat, eyes fixed straight ahead, unblinking.  He can see his mother move from the living room into the kitchen inside. She’s braless and wearing sweatpants, her breasts are like sacks of wet sand slung over each shoulder.  There’s no sound.  He’s just remembered how excitable the future once made him as a little boy.

ps: nice sweater vest, dick.